Went to the dirty monday tonight after ballet. Stina has been talking lately about how they always go earlier now and how Gabe plays better stuff early and blah blah and I thought when she said she and Jenni were almost ready at 9:40 that they would be there in a timely fashion but long story short I sat by myself at the fucking saloon for almost an hour. I was going to just finish my beer and leave but David the bartender gave me a pity drink so I stayed but I was too irritated to have any fun and Stina decided to leave after she chugged a beer anyway. I just wanted to go out and have fun for a night like over summer and not worry about school (I'm not going tomorrow because of the fires) and not think about my tumors and just have a good time and fucking relax but now I feel worse than before.
I keep acting like it's kind of a joke that I have five fucking tumors and shit and laughing about it and yeah, they're benign, but they won't necessarily stay that way. The fact that I have this many benign tumors makes my risk of developing less benign growths go way up and I don't want to have to think about that possibility. I don't ever want to get that sick. I don't want to carry something around in my breast that could kill me. It's just such a shock to me. I have no family history of breast cancer or anything like that. It doesn't even look to me like I have room for that many tumors in my b-cups. It's scary. Thinking about the surgery the doctors are recommending for me is scary. And it's not a fear I was in any way prepared for. I don't know how to deal. I've thought about calling Ray so many times because I wish he would comfort me. I need that but I don't feel like I can ask that from anyone else. I want to lean on someone and lean hard right now but I feel like that's clearly more than I can expect from any of my friends and more than I would put on my parents. But things he has done to me can't be undone. I can never lean on him again.
God, I don't ever want to get that sick. I don't even want to be as "sick" as I am right now. I feel fine. I feel the same way I felt before the tests and diagnosis but knowing that there are things like that inside of me that are beyond my control is terrifying. I want to go to sleep and wake up in the morning to find all the bad things are gone.
About Me
- megan elizabeth
- "A certain man," said Rex, as he turned round the corner with Margot, "once lost a diamond cuff-link in the wide blue sea, and twenty years later, on the exact day, a Friday apparently, he was eating a large fish-but there was no diamond inside. That's what I like about coincidence."
4 comments:
Re: deleted post, why is the internet disrespecting my html-ing? Ergh ergh ergh!
Aww, Meg-tween. I feel like this is a copout, but internet hugs.
Also, U CAN HAZ KITTEHS?
Aww, I love teh kittehs!
you just gotta tell us what you need dude. i might even hug you.
when i was having lady problems i wanted to be alone and mull over my own mortality because i'm gothy and shit but i don't know how to support people because my parents never learned me that. so if you want to sit around and yell about it thats cool, or if you want to not drink and go for a hike and eat a lot of vitamin d thats cool too. just tell me. no one should ever have to feel like they don't have anyone to go to. especially my little buddy. no pun intended.
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