Mysterious fluids are dripping out of my car. For some reason, I really hope it's not champagne. I don't even know how it could be.

Going to see Xiu Xiu tonight at the Casbah with Christina and Devin and Adam. Yeah... at least the music's gonna be good. I'm not really looking forward to the rest of it. Think they'll mind if I bring a book?

Dropped a bunch of cash shopping today. Got a couple of really nice things I've been wanting for a while, green striped dress and yellow hooded seed stitch sweater. I'm not "overspending". I'm "stimulating the economy".

Met a couple of foxy dudes at the saloon last night. One of them asked for my number and I told him that I don't have one. Not sure why I did that except for the feeling that I don't think I could take it if he hurt my feelers and hurting my feelers is really easy to do lately. Or maybe it was the idea that it might not be wise to give out one's number to some random dude that one has known for a mere three minutes that was met outside a bar. I just feel really uncomfortable with dudes lately. It feels like in junior high when boys would pretend to flirt with me and then put me down brutally. Not exactly like that, but close. More like when my most serious relationship was with someone who was also in a relationship with someone else who was always going to be more important than me. When was that, like March? How long? Like three years? Yeah. Something like that.

Yeah, this is PMS. I do what I want when I want.

I was thinking about Ray on the drive home from work. Whatever, it's fucking past midnight, I can think about whatever. I used to really hold on to his affection. Any little thing he did I would keep that thing, that hug, kiss, word, smile, whatever, I would keep it in my mind and just turn it over and over. I used to sustain myself with that while he hurt me in a seemingly endless variety of ways that he ultimately never understood and it mostly seemed to me like it was cool, normal, whatever. I can't do it anymore. Sometimes I wish that he would at least miss me but I understand why he wouldn't. His whole life is something I can never be a part of and if I was I probably wouldn't want to anymore. It was never his to give, I get it now. I just had to do things the hard way.

Silverballs put his arm around my shoulder and in the back of my mind was the thought, you are about the same size. I could nestle into your shoulder and stay there and everything would be good. But I won't do that either. I need to be better to myself. I need to get something to eat. I haven't had a meal since 1. I ate a spoonful of peanut butter dipped in chocolate chips around 9. I'm too tired to cook. I might just go to sleep. I'm too hungry to sleep. Work was shitty tonight. I just kept telling myself, "if you die in the nightmare you die for real." It really kept me going.