I was thinking about Ray on the drive home from work. Whatever, it's fucking past midnight, I can think about whatever. I used to really hold on to his affection. Any little thing he did I would keep that thing, that hug, kiss, word, smile, whatever, I would keep it in my mind and just turn it over and over. I used to sustain myself with that while he hurt me in a seemingly endless variety of ways that he ultimately never understood and it mostly seemed to me like it was cool, normal, whatever. I can't do it anymore. Sometimes I wish that he would at least miss me but I understand why he wouldn't. His whole life is something I can never be a part of and if I was I probably wouldn't want to anymore. It was never his to give, I get it now. I just had to do things the hard way.

Silverballs put his arm around my shoulder and in the back of my mind was the thought, you are about the same size. I could nestle into your shoulder and stay there and everything would be good. But I won't do that either. I need to be better to myself. I need to get something to eat. I haven't had a meal since 1. I ate a spoonful of peanut butter dipped in chocolate chips around 9. I'm too tired to cook. I might just go to sleep. I'm too hungry to sleep. Work was shitty tonight. I just kept telling myself, "if you die in the nightmare you die for real." It really kept me going.