Just had a really good talk with Sarah Bonilla. We went to 7-11 after work and split a forty in a parking lot and talked about what it means to be human. She is somebody who I feel very innately close to and comfortable with in a very rare way. She is very spiritual and contemplative and she really tries to live well and I admire that. For reasons that I can't articulate, I am afraid of disappointing her somehow.

We talked a lot about energy and language and how we shape our own worlds. I've been more contemplative lately because of the changes I've made in my life and I feel like I'm at a turning point and it's very important for me to be mindful of how I am living, of how I care for and know myself, but that's not the most important thing. Our culture's emphasis on individuality puts a lot of pressure on the self, a false importance of the self, know yourself, be true to yourself, express yourself, love yourself, but that's not the whole story. It's about other people. It's easy to feel like you know yourself in a vacuum but you fucking can't live in one. It's easy to reduce humanity to an abstract, human nature, and it is easy to make generalizations about how one should live. There are so many distractions in our world and it seems like most people don't think about what's really important. It's finding a pulse in white noise. Trying to decide which star out of the millions in the sky you should follow.

I talked to her about Ray, about how he could read me. He would say things to me sometimes about just sensing me or feeling my energy and at first I thought it was kind of crazy but as time went by and coincidences added up I realized there was truth to what he said even if it went beyond my understanding. He would ask me if I could feel him reaching out for me and I never could. When he is in my dreams there are always two of him and in my memory I feel like I have known at least two versions of him and I could never read either of them the way he read me. It was really comforting on a really deep level to feel that somebody who knew me in such an intuitive way as well as he really did (at one point at least) actually loved me, actually wanted me around. But I always doubted too, because I never really knew what he was feeling, I couldn't sense him the way he sensed me. And it was a bad situation on the surface. I know a lot of my friends never really understood. I tried to ignore it, but it turns out surfaces can be pretty fucking important when it comes to letting someone shit on your heart.

I want to make sure that I heal right. I've thought about going into therapy because it would be nice to talk to someone about how to cope with things, how to move on, how to make sure I won't keep cycling through the same self destructive patterns, but shit's expensive and I think I'm smart enough and strong enough to pull my crazy ass together. I think the best (and worst) thing I did was when I found myself in love I threw myself in completely, total surrender. I would like to be able to do that again someday, just maybe in a situation that won't fuck up my life. I don't want to be afraid.