The dance show is this weekend. I'm still not feeling as good as I used to. I don't feel weak any more like I did after my surgery but I am still having pain in my breasts, especially when I'm warmer and moving my arms around a lot. Ballet doesn't bother me as much as carrying trays around at work. Last weekend was rough, black friday and the crowds and so many many trays to carry. On Sunday night I was ready to snap, having a tantrum in the back because my tits hurt and people are rude and I can't just say to them, hey, I just had this scary thing happen to me and it still hurts AND my breasts are kind of ugly now and I don't know how much longer they will hurt and be ugly so with that in mind would it fucking kill you to make eye contact with me or even smile or say "thank you"? The pain isn't too sharp all the time or anything but it makes everything more tiresome and I didn't do anything else but work last weekend because of being tired and needing so much energy to keep being that perky waitress when I feel this way.

Next week I am having more skin cut away around where my moles were because of the malignant melanoma or whatever. A centimeter radius around where they were. A Hello Kitty bandaid just isn't going to cut it this time. Sometimes I feel really beat down. I know I KNOW there are much worse things in the world that could happen or have happened to people I know and love but fuck it, I don't want to get cut up again so soon. It is going to be a couple of big pieces of skin and I am sick of going to the doctor and I'm scared of finding out that things are even worse. I have to get blood tests and xrays and I'm scared. Sometimes I just don't want to know.

Last night I took a hot bath and I was looking at my body, all the new scars I've gotten recently. I don't have any other scars from anything except a chicken pox scar on my forehead from when I was four. It's hard to look at the ones on my breasts. I miss having a lover/boyfriend type around. I miss being touched outside of a medical setting. I've had some opportunities lately but I don't want anyone to see my gross boobs. My right nip still hurts if something brushes it even lightly. You can't expect a boy not to go feeling around there, or train him to exclusively grope lefty. It would be nice to have that kind of distraction but it's hard for me right now.