Been having a really unusual amount of pain this month. Am probably dying. I am seriously scared that something is wrong with me. I was even scared before I went on web md. That's fear right there. Gotta get my pelvis examined. Sharp pains, nauseous all the time. On Wednesday it was so bad I couldn't move. Gotta wait until it's over to go to the lady doc though. Can't go like this. That's just rude.

Last night Sarah Bonilla brought me birthday cupcakes. Amazing.
I hung out at Molly's after work. Had some good girl talk. My life is actually pretty rad right now. I don't think I've made a really serious bad decision since July.
Jammed with Fitz and Stina a couple nights ago. Hadn't played music with other people in a long long time. Forgot how much it fucking rules.

Got sick this weekend. Sucks dude. Went to work anyway. Everyone's sick there.

I think my Spanish is getting better. I still pronounce everything like the whitest damn girl from the valley and say "like" too much, but I'm trying.

Next Sunday is my birthday. I don't want anything at all, really, just a few nice meals with my family and my friends. I wouldn't turn down a pretty trinket, but it's a nice feeling to look around and say, "I don't want for anything." I feel very lucky.

Mom was away this weekend visiting Zephyr and Carrie. Henry hasn't started talking yet so they're having a speech therapist come visit with him. No matter. I was bald until I was three and I have quite a lustrous head of hair now. Anything can happen, and anyway, I'm pretty sure Henry is the smartest boy in the world. He is MY nephew, after all.

There's somebody I sometimes miss but I love my freedom more. When there are lonely hours late at night I pick at my guitar or cuddle with Toby until he drools on my arm. During the day I almost never think of it. Anyway, I am beginning to find other distractions.

there may be churches burning down next year
if I'm a city then my citizens will pass no pails along
there may be temples of temptation to take refuge in my dear
if I'm a city then my citizens will cast a vote to
where you pray versus what you're praying for
and what you love versus what you bow before
and where you are praying and what you're praying for

Yesterday Ray called me again. Left a message. Hopes I'm happy. Hopes I find what I'm looking for. Sounded angry and gruff.

There's a kind of satisfaction that I'm not proud of that I get from hearing him say he hopes I find what I'm looking for. Because I know it's already too late for him but there's still hope for me. I feel bad for him. Part of me still misses him a little. But mostly I don't. I need to stand on my own.

Went out last night. I wasn't wearing my glasses so dudes were on me like wild on rice. All the tall, leggy blondes must have been busy. God, I am still so shy I don't know what the fuck to do when that happens. Good thing there's booze.

Tonight at work silverballs asked me to explain to him again what it means to superman a ho. I know he remembered. He just likes it when I talk dirty because I have no problem with it.

I'm hungry as fuck. Think I'll make some soup and crackers.

Ray called me today. I was texting so my phone accidentally picked up for about five seconds. I panicked and hung up on him. He called me right back, left a message. I want to get the hell out of here, live in a forest somewhere he'll never find me, throw all my electronic devices in a volcano. I don't know how else to deal with this right now. Last night I drank too much and ran into this guy who stood me up a couple times in April. He tried to act like we were friends and I walked away without a word, felt fucking terrible. I had another drink and I missed Ray but I knew it was a bad idea. It took him a couple years somehow, but he finally hurt me past the point I can forgive. What a guy.

Here's an email he sent me last week. What is his damn problem?

I hope when you saw the sunset it was warm on your heart and your smile
got to feel the suns last kiss before night. Your spirit is a gift  to
this planet and I am so glad to have spent minutes with you dear
Megan....xoxo...me

Got a comment card at work tonight that said, "Lemonade was too sweet!" so I drew a line through "lemonade" and wrote "Megan" and turned it in to the managers' box. It was satisfying.